running away – (6) overthrow of feelings/emotions

In the process of learning to understand the importance of writing, i realised myself.

When ‚thinking‘ about „not wanting to write‘ it shows me, how much resistance i have build up against the change. As i thought it need and will change. Aw. That was wrong. The most important point here is to etablish a connection with myself. Sure, self forgivenes will help me do this, but i recognised that i mised the most important thing.

Before i will and can change, what should i do? How can one change the beeing he is, without understanding of what someone actually has become. Without knowing oneself?

So i will commit myself to build myself a strong and stable connection to myself. I don’t hide myself. I dont‘ hide myself behind thoughts. I commit myself to show myself everything i think/feel/experience and write them out. So whenever i got sufficent amount of time. I will sit down and write to myself. How long has this been? How long have i ever, truely get in touch with myself? Must have been some time…

So „hi there“. Nice to meet you aggain. With you, i’am. With Me, i’m you. We, are one – as one, we are. That’s interesting. Sooo long it has taken us. Soo long we have been searching for us. Wehw. Should create a song out of this conversation (no! it’s not backchat :>) „You no take candle!“

We created so many tools. So many possibilities of „not getting to know our selfs – but others“. Time to take the direct way.

In my chat today i realised, that’s it#s not about writing on a daily basis (for now), but to get to know myself and work on the assignment (structual resonance alignment). More is comming!

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running away – (5) sharing communication

„Sharing is caring“

I stumbled again over an amazing blog-entry: it was about „sharing communication“:
http://michaelwilliammcdonald.blogspot.com/ from Mike McDonald. It was that feeling of amazement that struck me down, when i realised how this point i recognized in myself, in my life.

I always rejected to talk with my brother about things i learned. When a question arose from my brother and i already learned the answer, i immediately got into spitefulnes.
I really hated to talk to my brother about things i knew the answer for. Shit. Emotional reactions came up..

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create and accept emotional reactions towards my brother or anyone, when talking about stuff i „already knew“ and go into spitefulnes because of „don’t want to tell again“.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to react in spitefulnes towards for „thinking“ that, „they should know this and that already!“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge yet again people by thoughts of „they should knowing it better“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting thoughts and emotional reactions towards the idea of „not knowing it better“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself and have reactional and emotional reactions towards myself for thinking that “ i should knew this/that“.
I forgive myself for judging myself for thinking that „repeating or sharing again“ information is a mistake or is „slowing“ my progress down.
I forgive myself or allowing and accepting myself to think that „what i know is what should anyone automatically know“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself and think, that learning is automatic and that learning is „automatically spreaded and understood“.
I Forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for judging myself for thinking that i „should have known this“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that I’m sillier for not knowing this/that. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself putting myself into a state of  inferiority and putting others in  a bubble of superiority.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that when i hear some one else judging i need to create reactions in myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge others by hearing them judging other people. I stop my reactions to the judgment-game. I breath, i do self forgiveness o those thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself for not realising that judgments are but the outer-explanation of judging his/her-self.

Selfjudgment. Self inflicted Judgments. Self Dishonesty – look: What is it I’m judging? Look and be aware that it’s not something „foreign“, something „from outta space“ – it’s your fucking self.
When judgments are coming up, or the „thoughts“ of judging, i stop. I breath, i self forgive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad at myself and frustrated and irritated that I realised a fuck up within myself.
I forgive myself for not realising the coolness in realising/seeing a fuck up within me as like a fucking awesome point/tool of and as self support in living self correction of accepted and allowed fuck up.
I realise through writing I assist myself in communicating with myself as like total self exposure as like ya man this is me inside and out.

running away – day x + 4

„Keep going“, „keep going“, don’t stop.

If i don’t push myself to do workings on me and my process i certainly will never get through this whole matrix of deception inside of my head. I’s just too easy to get lost again, and again… in infinite endeavour.

So – focusing on the here, is letting go of the past. But before letting go, there are big points i need to work on:

1) Judgments

2) Stabilization of myself ()

3) Dishonesty

4) Discipline

5) Application of SF and DIP Material

So again when i was writing about how i directly judge people – i always judge myself. So gotta look more into it. What is it I’m judging? What is it I’m not giving enough patience? Why am i so often impatience?

When i was a child i can remember myself not feeling „important“ enough , feeling not of worth, feeling not „strong“ enough, feeling not „good“ enough, not smart enough. Not experienced enough, not old enough.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that i’m not worth enough. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that i’m not important enough. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for thinking that i’m not smart enough. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that i’m not experienced enough.

I forgive myself for not realising that there is no comparison needed or important. There is no one better or worser – that is separation. I breath. I correct myself. I realise that humans are equals, meaning that they are equal in their needs, equal in their source, equal in their rights for the living. We all have a lot of shit on our shoulders. We are all in the same fucking boat.


Imagesource: http://knightstar.multiply.com/journal

running away – day x + 3

So i’m continuing.
After chatting aggain with my desteni supporter  i got more things cleared up. Firs of all, it’s essential to write out every day. It will not be easy, but – it’s always like that. No change is easy. If someone is telling you he/she will change or he/she changed – it will never be that quick – it takes time.. a lot of time.

So i’m just beginning in the writings, therefore it takes time to get used to it. I may be not posting everyday – but, it doesn’t mean that i‘, taking a break or pausing again. Let’s see.

As i mentioned in my last post, i was surprised about the blog entry from Rebecka Dalmas http://awidowsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/day-141-facing-fear-to-look.html

…Like I am looking at her, and presenting a happy face, but at the same time becoming overwhelmed with a feeling of bitterness, and anger, and spite. A lot of spite.
I breath, I realize that under this is fear. I continue to breath.
I realize, we, the human, are composed of emotions and feelings, and thoughts, and that these emotions and feelings and thoughts, are based on experiences from our past, and conditioning of environment, all of it as it presently exists within a system of inequality.
I remember this same thing, being this same way as a child within facing people. I am terrified – so to speak, the only different is that I have learned to compose myself with supposed civility.

But it is as thought the unresolved fear is there…

It’s quite fascinating, that this is what exactly (no difference) was playing out my whole life, even today. I sometimes have hard times at looking at someone – especially, when i’m spiteful and feeling the need to „ignore“ or even „hate“ that person.  Yes, fear is the point – i was experiencing the same shit, over and over. Thought it „was gone“ – lol. Nothing will just „go away“. Damn it.

So i gracefully and thankfully read that blog and it was, fucking helpful! Here i cut some words out of it, that affirmative what i was thinking back then (but couldn’t find the right words for it):

… I did not want to see her, I did not want to see this spite. A feeling of sadness comes up, at the idea of this being here, as what caused this, as why this is.  And realizing that being this sadness, not good or bad, is not a solution, cannot become an endgame, the end of the line as it is not. So move through it. And this woman, is as physically thick as she is thick with an undercurrent of emotion. I don’t even know where to begin. This is a momentary meeting. I breath and  speak words of gratitude and leave.
I keep breathing….
Judging is not a solution, this is another “end of the line” act, and not a solvent, not what removes what is compounded within this woman, and or myself, judgement as a sign fixed in stone, remove the dis-ease, the undercurrent of dis-ease. And I cannot do this for this woman, she must find this and do this for herself. No one can put her back together again but herself. She must walk through her own construction. If she chooses, I can aid her in seeing her construction, but i cannot be the actual doing of this for her. Theory alone does not work, it must be actually lived..
So i went into my memories (i know it’s not suggested to do, because the mind needs memories and past experiencing – it’s of the past!) to understand what shaped me. Yeah, it was that kind of spite – i was sitting on a table with some people and they were chatting about stuff i don’t even had a clue. So i forced myself to be „pleasend“ again. Then – surprise, surprise, they made fun of me. It was getting inconvenient. I was thinking about how dishonest and unrespectful hey were. I couldn’t stand that moment. I was beginning to hate them! So i had hard times looking at them – i just wanted them to notice that. Then, it was fucking silent – thought, they noticed their wrong doing. So i was making a stupid statement ( as I used to make, when i can’t find the right words).
So, for that i need to make self fogivenes. I copyed those ones i understood from Rebecka (thank you!) and speak them aloud:
– I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my thoughts, emotions and feelings are but the separations of myself into and as devices to justify  my own ignorance of life here, and that what is here, as life , is the value, where the fear is a smokescreen, as a belief that something can be lost, the the fear s the separation, initially caused in childhood, as a child is trapped within lack of an ability to communicate and the bullying of the adult who is already in separation from life, having abdicated self as a child as well, in order to survive, which is the family generating that which is a fear of self as life.
-I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that dealing with others emotions is tedious (dt: „mühsam“), and impossible, even (for) my own, and thus just want to run away and do something like read a book, tend to a garden, and or exist away from the chaos of emotions and discord.

-I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a feeling of anger, an emotional reaction as anger to and towards this emotional program as the mind consciousness system, not wanting to deal with this, not wanting to speak up about this to and towards others as the response will be one of reaction, as fear of death of self as mind, as memory, as idea , belief and opinion, as want , need and desire, which means that I myself remain fearful within facing what has been accepted and allowed as mind in separation from life, just as fear came up when talking with this woman, the woman with an undercurrent of spite, as fear.

-I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this idea of “not wanting to face” what is compounded within, a repetition of reactions during childhood, as energetic responses imbedded within and as the human physical body, through the dna of parents, is not life in full potential expression, but separations from self as life, a division and conquer of the human, as what life accepted and allowed in separation from the realization that what is one and equal within and as all, is the substance of life.
-I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the mind is a tantrum of opposites, looping around from one pole to another, and thus not a mechanism that can solve the opposition, and when this is made huge, the realization that the mind is the divide from life, as what it is as thoughts, that eventually compound into emotions and feelings,  that thus, within this, the mind is the signifier of separation and not what is real, where through breath and self forgiveness as life, the mind can be realized for the limited viewpoint it is in fact, and realized for the tiny storm in a teacup that it is in fact.
-I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that we, the human, have told ourselves that we are aware of the mind, in the halos we have painted around the heads of supposed saints.
-I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there are many instances where the human has spoke of a bubble being around humans, and thus it is not something new, or unbelievable, that there is an existential bubble around each of us, and given the state of this world, it is evident that we have not taken care of this world, and thus we are not one and equal to this world, as we have not found, existed as, that which is best for all, thus have we not found the absolute solution to what supports life, thus any statement of “that is the way it is” must be a program of this bubble, serving self interest, as it is not self as life, where self as life, is the actual being of self as life, realizing self as life as being one and equal to all that is here on earth, because all that is here on earth is of the same substance, life.
-I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that there is nothing to fear, there is only becoming one and equal to life, walked practically through standing up and supporting a practical system that supports all life, as the structures are existent on earth to distribute resources to support what is here, at this point, to begin to realign life to be, accept and allow life to reach its potential as life, and this is supporting an equal money system.
Amen, lol. Cool points!
Time to support, what is best for all!->

running away – day x + 2

As i was starting to write out my selfforgivnes statements i felt an deep resistance in that night. It felt like i suppresed something in my stomach area. And i could breath more harder. It felt like i compressed all emotions and feelings into that stomach area.

For that it’s obvious. My body is telling me i did’nt done it well and/or missed some keypoints or was not completly honest. So therefore i will investigate it more deeply.

I forgive myself for judging myself for feeling anger towards myself for thinking that i „haven’t done the self forgivness statements properly“. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self to dwell into the feeling of „suppresing“ myself for wich i ‚m not to blame.  Suppressing myself forAs of i’m starting this process and will face and experience alot of resistance. Getting aware of my body will help me understand what i have become.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to think that this will be a fast process. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that my thoughts will „just go away“ without working and investigating myself. This is a process that just started. With the materials and tools from desteni i can and will work on that. Reading other Blogs will also clear some points up.

I Recently stumbled upon the blog from Rebecka Dalmas – just to point it out: The words i was reading from there, were exactly the same experience i was having as a child and even today. No coincidence (seriously)! Gotta investigate tomorrow.

Journey to Life blog entry „Day 141 Facing the fear to look.“

Url: http://awidowsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/day-141-facing-fear-to-look.html

That’s an awesome amount of information over there, thanks alot Rebecka!

running away – day x + 1

I noted down some emotions and feelings i observed the last days, so i can expose them by writing myself down and at least understand one piece more of this way of life and why i choosed this to happen ages before beeing here.

So today and yesterday i was experiencing the feeling of „beeing unwanted“ and therefore feign myself of beeing „important“. Wanting to be noticed and wanting to not beeing missunderstood.

As of „wanting of beeing“ noticed i created in myself the akward character of beeing „silly“. Yes. In that i thought i can handle the situation of „not knowing“ what other peoples around me where talking about. So i experienced myself in a situation of where i emotionaly felt sad and „stupid“ and looked away smiling. Insted of trusting myself i did’nt realise that i was seperation myself aggain to just „please“ peoples around me. You know they guy who is just talking „shit“ to be noticed because, he/she don’t have a clue. I mean, what the fuck.

As we read and understand in the process of exposing one self to the „state of the mind“ to get aware of one selfs thoughts and the enslavement that is causing you to have certain feelings/emotions, we can actually take a break (breath) and see them literaly beeing created by oneselfs acceptance and allowens to further more don’t realise one’s true self.

I therefore forgive myself of accepting and allowing myself to put myself into an inferior state to „please“ other people. I forgive myself of accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior and accept the thought of „going to change that situation“ where i could have in the first place trusted myselfand asked myself why should i feel this way? What’s the point of don’t trusting oneself in that situation?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into „wanting to say something“ for the sake of beeing „omnipotent in knowing everything“ in every conversation where i don’t have the knowledge amd don’t need to have that knowledge. I forive myself in not realising that there is no fucking need to „know everything“. I can always ask myself in this „do i need to know or ask this?“. What the common sense of beeing the most intelectual beeing on earth, when common sense will work everything out for the principle of equality and oness in this world. I don’t need an master degree in science to understand that the world will propably end soon by exploitation of the earth and life in general!

I see myself as one and equal as other human beeings. There is not the question of „knowing it all“ to “ be able to change it all“, as we can actualy and easilie see the consequences of our doing in the simplest way.
I forive myself of accepting and allowing myself to think that i „should“ know this actor or that sports score, or that actor in that move to be able to „please“ people around me and feel superior, because of „that knowledge“.

I forgive myself to allow myself to think that superiorty or dominace in a conversation is important to „be liked“ in anyway. I forgive myself of not realising that knowledge and information of movies and actors is not in anyway supportive for myself and for the time beeing of changing myself, because in common sense: „what the fuck does it matter?“ – will that information change the abuse in this world, will it led me to understand myself even more? Thats actually is a waste of time (as of playing games – i will need to examine that also).

I forgive myself of not realising that superiority thoughts and feelings will create inferiority thoughs and feelings into infinity, never realising that this is the actual cause of not beeing able to stabilize myself and trust my true self in any question. Superiority will aggain lead to inequality, as it will forece people into this „power game“-thoughts once aggain and will eventualy lead into more seperation of oneself and .. life in oness and equality.

If forgive myself for not realising that i can actualy stop thoughts of inferiority/supority by not accepting them and not allowing them to „shape myself“ and my information. I Forgive myself for allowing myself to feel „responsible“ and „sad“ aggain for not realising this in the current moment – i forgive myself for judging myself of not knowing and thinking of beeing responsible for what i actualy didn’t know. So we clear it up. I can write it out and work on that progress of identifing the polarity thoughts and feelings/emotions to stand and get aware of one’s true self (presence).

For the changing of and for myself, i will need to expose myself of the emotions and feelings i’m experiencing by certain thoughts and memories.

I will continue.

Thanks.


(Bild von: http://galerie.designnation.de/bild/17447 )

Working on myself with Desteni – An mir selbst durch die unterstützung von Desteni arbeiten

Every time i’m fighting aggainst the mind, trying to tell me that i will not change. Trying to trick me i can’t change. Change is „obsolete“. But.. change is  inevitably. Just look around.

So i sit here, reviewing the readings from the the DesteniIProcess „Mind Con-sciousnes System Components“ wich teached me, that every thought i believe to be from my self, has already been a deep aceptened and allowed „foreign“, programmed „thought“ created by and of the mind, only giving me the oppertunity to chose from a huge set of thoughts, wich have never been me, wich have never been my self. So in the creating of my feelings and experiences i created and allowed to align myself to the believe that, all that is me, is me with thoughts and feelings. Thinking that i will not exist without thoughts and feelings… what a fuckup.

It’s always the same: I will think of something and immediatly, i feel or experience a feeling, wich keeps me in an absolute infinite cycle of pushing me to happynes or pushing me to sadnes.. a neverending story. And i‘, accepting this to continue… shit.

In the „Mind Conscious System Components“-Lesson (Part1) i understand the construct that builds up energy in myself. I didn’t realise how deep this mind consciousnes-structure is intertwined within me… i‘, afraid i can’t be without such feelings and emotions, huh. How is that?

It’s because i never got the oppertunity to realise, the existence i’m in. A energie vampire, i have been become. A zombie of a system that is fucking all of existence here… and by just thinking „Giev me more of this- it feels soo good…“ i allow this to continue…
Why haven’t i stoped this from happening? Why didn’t my parents let me know of this?

„Good boy“.

So every set of thoughts, every emotion and every feeling i „allow“ to be created within me, creates friction and polarities, to suck up and terminate my life-essence/energies till i will die. Completly consuming myself.. for what? Experiencing the fucking joy of „sucking energy?“

In memorie of my childhood i have dreamed about demons suckin my brother/sister in front of me. Those dreams where fucking real. I never forgot them. Funny enough i was also beeing chased by those deamons in my dreams and was so fucking scary about them. Thanks my to preprogramed design i never got to met one in this reality. But, does it matter?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in every thought and feeling of „inferiority“. To allwo the experience of feeling  of „inferiorty“ to someone/ something else. I stand here als life, beeing equal with life, not supporting any act of degrading or pusing of inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a victim of inferiority, or of beeing degraded by someone else. I stand here equal as life, as breath to support myself to not continue and allow such act / feelings / emotions. I breath, i let go, i stand up, i correct myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thoughts of „sadness“ and  „uncertainty“ to create feelings of „beeing uncertain“, of beeing „sad“ and of beeing „confused“. I’m no more a slave to those feelings and emotions, as i stand up for myself, to not continue to participate in those thoughts. I’m here, i breath, i stop.

In the continueation of the Desteni I Process i will expose and learn my true nature of whom i am and to finally really love myself, accept myself and stand up for myself. I will let go of the machine as i understand the beeing i have been become, to change what i have become, to stop what i have become and to correct what i have been become, to once aggain embrace myself, to embrace what is here… what i have never realy looked at…

Thanks.

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