So i’m continuing.
After chatting aggain with my desteni supporter i got more things cleared up. Firs of all, it’s essential to write out every day. It will not be easy, but – it’s always like that. No change is easy. If someone is telling you he/she will change or he/she changed – it will never be that quick – it takes time.. a lot of time.
So i’m just beginning in the writings, therefore it takes time to get used to it. I may be not posting everyday – but, it doesn’t mean that i‘, taking a break or pausing again. Let’s see.
As i mentioned in my last post, i was surprised about the blog entry from Rebecka Dalmas http://awidowsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/09/day-141-facing-fear-to-look.html
…Like I am looking at her, and presenting a happy face, but at the same time becoming overwhelmed with a feeling of bitterness, and anger, and spite. A lot of spite.I breath, I realize that under this is fear. I continue to breath.I realize, we, the human, are composed of emotions and feelings, and thoughts, and that these emotions and feelings and thoughts, are based on experiences from our past, and conditioning of environment, all of it as it presently exists within a system of inequality.I remember this same thing, being this same way as a child within facing people. I am terrified – so to speak, the only different is that I have learned to compose myself with supposed civility.
But it is as thought the unresolved fear is there…
It’s quite fascinating, that this is what exactly (no difference) was playing out my whole life, even today. I sometimes have hard times at looking at someone – especially, when i’m spiteful and feeling the need to „ignore“ or even „hate“ that person. Yes, fear is the point – i was experiencing the same shit, over and over. Thought it „was gone“ – lol. Nothing will just „go away“. Damn it.
So i gracefully and thankfully read that blog and it was, fucking helpful! Here i cut some words out of it, that affirmative what i was thinking back then (but couldn’t find the right words for it):
… I did not want to see her, I did not want to see this spite. A feeling of sadness comes up, at the idea of this being here, as what caused this, as why this is. And realizing that being this sadness, not good or bad, is not a solution, cannot become an endgame, the end of the line as it is not. So move through it. And this woman, is as physically thick as she is thick with an undercurrent of emotion. I don’t even know where to begin. This is a momentary meeting. I breath and speak words of gratitude and leave.I keep breathing….
Judging is not a solution, this is another “end of the line” act, and not a solvent, not what removes what is compounded within this woman, and or myself, judgement as a sign fixed in stone, remove the dis-ease, the undercurrent of dis-ease. And I cannot do this for this woman, she must find this and do this for herself. No one can put her back together again but herself. She must walk through her own construction. If she chooses, I can aid her in seeing her construction, but i cannot be the actual doing of this for her. Theory alone does not work, it must be actually lived..
– I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my thoughts, emotions and feelings are but the separations of myself into and as devices to justify my own ignorance of life here, and that what is here, as life , is the value, where the fear is a smokescreen, as a belief that something can be lost, the the fear s the separation, initially caused in childhood, as a child is trapped within lack of an ability to communicate and the bullying of the adult who is already in separation from life, having abdicated self as a child as well, in order to survive, which is the family generating that which is a fear of self as life.-I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that dealing with others emotions is tedious (dt: „mühsam“), and impossible, even (for) my own, and thus just want to run away and do something like read a book, tend to a garden, and or exist away from the chaos of emotions and discord.
-I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a feeling of anger, an emotional reaction as anger to and towards this emotional program as the mind consciousness system, not wanting to deal with this, not wanting to speak up about this to and towards others as the response will be one of reaction, as fear of death of self as mind, as memory, as idea , belief and opinion, as want , need and desire, which means that I myself remain fearful within facing what has been accepted and allowed as mind in separation from life, just as fear came up when talking with this woman, the woman with an undercurrent of spite, as fear.
-I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this idea of “not wanting to face” what is compounded within, a repetition of reactions during childhood, as energetic responses imbedded within and as the human physical body, through the dna of parents, is not life in full potential expression, but separations from self as life, a division and conquer of the human, as what life accepted and allowed in separation from the realization that what is one and equal within and as all, is the substance of life.-I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the mind is a tantrum of opposites, looping around from one pole to another, and thus not a mechanism that can solve the opposition, and when this is made huge, the realization that the mind is the divide from life, as what it is as thoughts, that eventually compound into emotions and feelings, that thus, within this, the mind is the signifier of separation and not what is real, where through breath and self forgiveness as life, the mind can be realized for the limited viewpoint it is in fact, and realized for the tiny storm in a teacup that it is in fact.-I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that we, the human, have told ourselves that we are aware of the mind, in the halos we have painted around the heads of supposed saints.-I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there are many instances where the human has spoke of a bubble being around humans, and thus it is not something new, or unbelievable, that there is an existential bubble around each of us, and given the state of this world, it is evident that we have not taken care of this world, and thus we are not one and equal to this world, as we have not found, existed as, that which is best for all, thus have we not found the absolute solution to what supports life, thus any statement of “that is the way it is” must be a program of this bubble, serving self interest, as it is not self as life, where self as life, is the actual being of self as life, realizing self as life as being one and equal to all that is here on earth, because all that is here on earth is of the same substance, life.-I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that there is nothing to fear, there is only becoming one and equal to life, walked practically through standing up and supporting a practical system that supports all life, as the structures are existent on earth to distribute resources to support what is here, at this point, to begin to realign life to be, accept and allow life to reach its potential as life, and this is supporting an equal money system.