running away – day x + 1

I noted down some emotions and feelings i observed the last days, so i can expose them by writing myself down and at least understand one piece more of this way of life and why i choosed this to happen ages before beeing here.

So today and yesterday i was experiencing the feeling of „beeing unwanted“ and therefore feign myself of beeing „important“. Wanting to be noticed and wanting to not beeing missunderstood.

As of „wanting of beeing“ noticed i created in myself the akward character of beeing „silly“. Yes. In that i thought i can handle the situation of „not knowing“ what other peoples around me where talking about. So i experienced myself in a situation of where i emotionaly felt sad and „stupid“ and looked away smiling. Insted of trusting myself i did’nt realise that i was seperation myself aggain to just „please“ peoples around me. You know they guy who is just talking „shit“ to be noticed because, he/she don’t have a clue. I mean, what the fuck.

As we read and understand in the process of exposing one self to the „state of the mind“ to get aware of one selfs thoughts and the enslavement that is causing you to have certain feelings/emotions, we can actually take a break (breath) and see them literaly beeing created by oneselfs acceptance and allowens to further more don’t realise one’s true self.

I therefore forgive myself of accepting and allowing myself to put myself into an inferior state to „please“ other people. I forgive myself of accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior and accept the thought of „going to change that situation“ where i could have in the first place trusted myselfand asked myself why should i feel this way? What’s the point of don’t trusting oneself in that situation?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into „wanting to say something“ for the sake of beeing „omnipotent in knowing everything“ in every conversation where i don’t have the knowledge amd don’t need to have that knowledge. I forive myself in not realising that there is no fucking need to „know everything“. I can always ask myself in this „do i need to know or ask this?“. What the common sense of beeing the most intelectual beeing on earth, when common sense will work everything out for the principle of equality and oness in this world. I don’t need an master degree in science to understand that the world will propably end soon by exploitation of the earth and life in general!

I see myself as one and equal as other human beeings. There is not the question of „knowing it all“ to “ be able to change it all“, as we can actualy and easilie see the consequences of our doing in the simplest way.
I forive myself of accepting and allowing myself to think that i „should“ know this actor or that sports score, or that actor in that move to be able to „please“ people around me and feel superior, because of „that knowledge“.

I forgive myself to allow myself to think that superiorty or dominace in a conversation is important to „be liked“ in anyway. I forgive myself of not realising that knowledge and information of movies and actors is not in anyway supportive for myself and for the time beeing of changing myself, because in common sense: „what the fuck does it matter?“ – will that information change the abuse in this world, will it led me to understand myself even more? Thats actually is a waste of time (as of playing games – i will need to examine that also).

I forgive myself of not realising that superiority thoughts and feelings will create inferiority thoughs and feelings into infinity, never realising that this is the actual cause of not beeing able to stabilize myself and trust my true self in any question. Superiority will aggain lead to inequality, as it will forece people into this „power game“-thoughts once aggain and will eventualy lead into more seperation of oneself and .. life in oness and equality.

If forgive myself for not realising that i can actualy stop thoughts of inferiority/supority by not accepting them and not allowing them to „shape myself“ and my information. I Forgive myself for allowing myself to feel „responsible“ and „sad“ aggain for not realising this in the current moment – i forgive myself for judging myself of not knowing and thinking of beeing responsible for what i actualy didn’t know. So we clear it up. I can write it out and work on that progress of identifing the polarity thoughts and feelings/emotions to stand and get aware of one’s true self (presence).

For the changing of and for myself, i will need to expose myself of the emotions and feelings i’m experiencing by certain thoughts and memories.

I will continue.

Thanks.

(Bild von: http://galerie.designnation.de/bild/17447 )