getting to know – (8) no running anymore

so as i again was spending a lot of time playing with the computer (could actually not work for a week), i was not pushing myself for working on myself. In the beginning it is an act of „pushing“ / „attaining“ because, I’m used to „get things coming from elsewhere“ instead of „doing it by myself“. so it is a pushing from inside out. Without pushing i would replay my habits and play and play and play…. without writing blogs for myself or someone else out there. So. stop for a moment. *breath* one, two, three, four…

It’s quite cool to finally be able to understand this world and myself. Where in what i experience myself in. The experience differs extensively by my thoughts and my choice of what i „want to attain“ or what i „want to experience“. What i want… it’s all about … me, me. ME!

This whole experience is based my lifes on, is and was based on „the importance of me“. Like “ i’m the king, you’re not worthy enough to be able to speak with me“, „kneel down to the king of me!“ The word „me“ is like „mine“ without „in“ m-in-e. What do we got?
Creating a mine out of this ego-based „me“. A mine-field!

Besides this idea of the definition of „me“, it’s indeed ego-based. Because, without water, there would not be a „me“, Without air, there would not be a „me“, Without Food there would not be a „me“. Without earth, there would not be „existance“ where i’m existing in. So, there we go – without everything but „me“, i would not be able to use the word „me“. I could never be! Its like the „Unendliche Geschichte“ from „Michael Ende“ ( – without fantasy, there would be no fantasy-world. Simpel as that. Without the origin of yourself, you can’t be – without a birth, you can’t be in existence.

Furthermore, you are dependant of everything but your ego. Your dependant on food, shelter, energy, clothing…. what else. All that is created by others and by other beings on earth. And we pay no fucking respect to them…but say.. „me is important!“.

We need to reconsider the whole existence. We need to give every being on earth the opportunity to talk and to be able to express them self unconditionally. There is no question of „why“ – its just fucking need to be made. No slavery, no massive slaughtering, no „food-machines“, no degrading, no superiority, no less/more… no judging ..

Just plain expressing of one self unconditionally. Wit respect to everything in this world. meaning even your sheets in your bedroom are made from the resources of earth and the unconditional giving from earth and all beings here.

Without this earth, what would we do? Destroying the whole universe with „me“s ? This need to stop. So, how?

More or less: by stopping yourself. Stopping Judgements, Stopping hate, stopping emotional meltdowns, stopping emotional explostions…stopping emotions and feelings. Starting to stop them by forgiving them. Starting to use common sense in a way, that has been ignored for sooooo long. Starting to correct everything, that is in self-interest, self-mebased-ego.

Starting to think about „we“ instead of „me“. Asking questions lol.

It’s quite simple:
Every day i live through i try to remind and note down, emotional reactions or behaviors. Or Judgments i see in my head. So later that day, i work on them to analyse and stop them appearing in my head or cancel their activity (tools: selfforgivnes and self-corrective statements) – let the thoughts „flow through“ but not react to them.
I’m still at the starting point of the desteni i process and i’m learning a lot new stuff about myself and the whole existence, so i keep on going.


running away – (7) run, run, run

O key, that’s what it was going on today. Some running in my head.

I was working as usual. Two things that i realised.

– The one thing was the fear of being watched, when someone passed by.
Furthermore, the fear of someone who „could“ talk to me. It was Spitefulnes i think. I „didn’t want“ to be interrupted with the work, so i focused on my eyes and squish them a lot. It’s something i don’t always realise when doing it. But after some time, i got used to it and have hard times realising the „squishing“ of my eyes and the „concentration of my eye browns“/“the knitting of my brow“. It’s not good for my eyes! I have not often liked my own eyes – i more like was in „wow, they look cool, but hey… there is something MORE to it“. I used to never be satisfied with my whole appearance – also not with my eyes (whole new story).

At one time in my life i liked them a lot. I also like the eyelashes. The eyelashes reminded me about a person with some really interesting eyelashes. It was like if, that person was using some mascara on them – but they were „natural“. Seems like i programmed my appearance to fit the one eyelashes i have seen as i was young. weird. Huh.

– So the second thing i was realising was anger that arose in me watching a person working on „repairing“ a pc / software. I was angry about seeing the person doing all that he can in a way, where i was thinking and running a mind game: „How stupid that person was“. I really judged the person because i thought, that i could make it better or thinking that he is missing a crucial point about „how to fix this“. So i build up resistance about the communication and about the way he represents himself in front of me. „I was ready to judge“ – holy shit. So, how comes, that i was „thinking“ that I’m „better and more effective than that person“? Surely i can solve problems sometimes more or less faster than some other person, but, what was the point of judging? I think it’s again fearing oneself in that situation of being „clueless“.
In my environment i often come into the points where I’m clueless about the talk – it’s interesting. More and more i’m reaching a point where i can not relate anymore to persons in my environment.  Of course working is possible to be done, but as soon „private things“ come in, i realise how „different i’m becoming“ (not different, but… somehow more aware about the „nothingness“ (is it really that?) of the information they are communication about).

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear people communicating to me, when doing work. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use that feeling of fearing to be spiteful and judgmental towards others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge people „inferior“ when they ask me for helping them. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think, that by helping others, I will one day use that act in my advantage.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for judging a person „as ignorant“ when he/she is not reacting to my greetings when i arrive somewhere.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the judgment of being called a „clueless person“. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge others „clueless persons“. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that persons either „have a clue“ or „don’t have a clue“.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for judging people „good“ or „not good“ / „cool“ or „not cool“ / „smart“ or „not smart“ only by their appearance and wearing of clothes“.