running away – day x + 1

I noted down some emotions and feelings i observed the last days, so i can expose them by writing myself down and at least understand one piece more of this way of life and why i choosed this to happen ages before beeing here.

So today and yesterday i was experiencing the feeling of „beeing unwanted“ and therefore feign myself of beeing „important“. Wanting to be noticed and wanting to not beeing missunderstood.

As of „wanting of beeing“ noticed i created in myself the akward character of beeing „silly“. Yes. In that i thought i can handle the situation of „not knowing“ what other peoples around me where talking about. So i experienced myself in a situation of where i emotionaly felt sad and „stupid“ and looked away smiling. Insted of trusting myself i did’nt realise that i was seperation myself aggain to just „please“ peoples around me. You know they guy who is just talking „shit“ to be noticed because, he/she don’t have a clue. I mean, what the fuck.

As we read and understand in the process of exposing one self to the „state of the mind“ to get aware of one selfs thoughts and the enslavement that is causing you to have certain feelings/emotions, we can actually take a break (breath) and see them literaly beeing created by oneselfs acceptance and allowens to further more don’t realise one’s true self.

I therefore forgive myself of accepting and allowing myself to put myself into an inferior state to „please“ other people. I forgive myself of accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior and accept the thought of „going to change that situation“ where i could have in the first place trusted myselfand asked myself why should i feel this way? What’s the point of don’t trusting oneself in that situation?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into „wanting to say something“ for the sake of beeing „omnipotent in knowing everything“ in every conversation where i don’t have the knowledge amd don’t need to have that knowledge. I forive myself in not realising that there is no fucking need to „know everything“. I can always ask myself in this „do i need to know or ask this?“. What the common sense of beeing the most intelectual beeing on earth, when common sense will work everything out for the principle of equality and oness in this world. I don’t need an master degree in science to understand that the world will propably end soon by exploitation of the earth and life in general!

I see myself as one and equal as other human beeings. There is not the question of „knowing it all“ to “ be able to change it all“, as we can actualy and easilie see the consequences of our doing in the simplest way.
I forive myself of accepting and allowing myself to think that i „should“ know this actor or that sports score, or that actor in that move to be able to „please“ people around me and feel superior, because of „that knowledge“.

I forgive myself to allow myself to think that superiorty or dominace in a conversation is important to „be liked“ in anyway. I forgive myself of not realising that knowledge and information of movies and actors is not in anyway supportive for myself and for the time beeing of changing myself, because in common sense: „what the fuck does it matter?“ – will that information change the abuse in this world, will it led me to understand myself even more? Thats actually is a waste of time (as of playing games – i will need to examine that also).

I forgive myself of not realising that superiority thoughts and feelings will create inferiority thoughs and feelings into infinity, never realising that this is the actual cause of not beeing able to stabilize myself and trust my true self in any question. Superiority will aggain lead to inequality, as it will forece people into this „power game“-thoughts once aggain and will eventualy lead into more seperation of oneself and .. life in oness and equality.

If forgive myself for not realising that i can actualy stop thoughts of inferiority/supority by not accepting them and not allowing them to „shape myself“ and my information. I Forgive myself for allowing myself to feel „responsible“ and „sad“ aggain for not realising this in the current moment – i forgive myself for judging myself of not knowing and thinking of beeing responsible for what i actualy didn’t know. So we clear it up. I can write it out and work on that progress of identifing the polarity thoughts and feelings/emotions to stand and get aware of one’s true self (presence).

For the changing of and for myself, i will need to expose myself of the emotions and feelings i’m experiencing by certain thoughts and memories.

I will continue.


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Working on myself with Desteni – An mir selbst durch die unterstützung von Desteni arbeiten

Every time i’m fighting aggainst the mind, trying to tell me that i will not change. Trying to trick me i can’t change. Change is „obsolete“. But.. change is  inevitably. Just look around.

So i sit here, reviewing the readings from the the DesteniIProcess „Mind Con-sciousnes System Components“ wich teached me, that every thought i believe to be from my self, has already been a deep aceptened and allowed „foreign“, programmed „thought“ created by and of the mind, only giving me the oppertunity to chose from a huge set of thoughts, wich have never been me, wich have never been my self. So in the creating of my feelings and experiences i created and allowed to align myself to the believe that, all that is me, is me with thoughts and feelings. Thinking that i will not exist without thoughts and feelings… what a fuckup.

It’s always the same: I will think of something and immediatly, i feel or experience a feeling, wich keeps me in an absolute infinite cycle of pushing me to happynes or pushing me to sadnes.. a neverending story. And i‘, accepting this to continue… shit.

In the „Mind Conscious System Components“-Lesson (Part1) i understand the construct that builds up energy in myself. I didn’t realise how deep this mind consciousnes-structure is intertwined within me… i‘, afraid i can’t be without such feelings and emotions, huh. How is that?

It’s because i never got the oppertunity to realise, the existence i’m in. A energie vampire, i have been become. A zombie of a system that is fucking all of existence here… and by just thinking „Giev me more of this- it feels soo good…“ i allow this to continue…
Why haven’t i stoped this from happening? Why didn’t my parents let me know of this?

„Good boy“.

So every set of thoughts, every emotion and every feeling i „allow“ to be created within me, creates friction and polarities, to suck up and terminate my life-essence/energies till i will die. Completly consuming myself.. for what? Experiencing the fucking joy of „sucking energy?“

In memorie of my childhood i have dreamed about demons suckin my brother/sister in front of me. Those dreams where fucking real. I never forgot them. Funny enough i was also beeing chased by those deamons in my dreams and was so fucking scary about them. Thanks my to preprogramed design i never got to met one in this reality. But, does it matter?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in every thought and feeling of „inferiority“. To allwo the experience of feeling  of „inferiorty“ to someone/ something else. I stand here als life, beeing equal with life, not supporting any act of degrading or pusing of inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a victim of inferiority, or of beeing degraded by someone else. I stand here equal as life, as breath to support myself to not continue and allow such act / feelings / emotions. I breath, i let go, i stand up, i correct myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thoughts of „sadness“ and  „uncertainty“ to create feelings of „beeing uncertain“, of beeing „sad“ and of beeing „confused“. I’m no more a slave to those feelings and emotions, as i stand up for myself, to not continue to participate in those thoughts. I’m here, i breath, i stop.

In the continueation of the Desteni I Process i will expose and learn my true nature of whom i am and to finally really love myself, accept myself and stand up for myself. I will let go of the machine as i understand the beeing i have been become, to change what i have become, to stop what i have become and to correct what i have been become, to once aggain embrace myself, to embrace what is here… what i have never realy looked at…


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