running away – (5) sharing communication

„Sharing is caring“

I stumbled again over an amazing blog-entry: it was about „sharing communication“:
http://michaelwilliammcdonald.blogspot.com/ from Mike McDonald. It was that feeling of amazement that struck me down, when i realised how this point i recognized in myself, in my life.

I always rejected to talk with my brother about things i learned. When a question arose from my brother and i already learned the answer, i immediately got into spitefulnes.
I really hated to talk to my brother about things i knew the answer for. Shit. Emotional reactions came up..

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create and accept emotional reactions towards my brother or anyone, when talking about stuff i „already knew“ and go into spitefulnes because of „don’t want to tell again“.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to react in spitefulnes towards for „thinking“ that, „they should know this and that already!“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge yet again people by thoughts of „they should knowing it better“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting thoughts and emotional reactions towards the idea of „not knowing it better“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself and have reactional and emotional reactions towards myself for thinking that “ i should knew this/that“.
I forgive myself for judging myself for thinking that „repeating or sharing again“ information is a mistake or is „slowing“ my progress down.
I forgive myself or allowing and accepting myself to think that „what i know is what should anyone automatically know“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself and think, that learning is automatic and that learning is „automatically spreaded and understood“.
I Forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for judging myself for thinking that i „should have known this“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that I’m sillier for not knowing this/that. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself putting myself into a state of  inferiority and putting others in  a bubble of superiority.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that when i hear some one else judging i need to create reactions in myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge others by hearing them judging other people. I stop my reactions to the judgment-game. I breath, i do self forgiveness o those thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself for not realising that judgments are but the outer-explanation of judging his/her-self.

Selfjudgment. Self inflicted Judgments. Self Dishonesty – look: What is it I’m judging? Look and be aware that it’s not something „foreign“, something „from outta space“ – it’s your fucking self.
When judgments are coming up, or the „thoughts“ of judging, i stop. I breath, i self forgive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad at myself and frustrated and irritated that I realised a fuck up within myself.

I forgive myself for not realising the coolness in realising/seeing a fuck up within me as like a fucking awesome point/tool of and as self support in living self correction of accepted and allowed fuck up.

I realise through writing I assist myself in communicating with myself as like total self exposure as like ya man this is me inside and out.

running away – day x + 1

I noted down some emotions and feelings i observed the last days, so i can expose them by writing myself down and at least understand one piece more of this way of life and why i choosed this to happen ages before beeing here.

So today and yesterday i was experiencing the feeling of „beeing unwanted“ and therefore feign myself of beeing „important“. Wanting to be noticed and wanting to not beeing missunderstood.

As of „wanting of beeing“ noticed i created in myself the akward character of beeing „silly“. Yes. In that i thought i can handle the situation of „not knowing“ what other peoples around me where talking about. So i experienced myself in a situation of where i emotionaly felt sad and „stupid“ and looked away smiling. Insted of trusting myself i did’nt realise that i was seperation myself aggain to just „please“ peoples around me. You know they guy who is just talking „shit“ to be noticed because, he/she don’t have a clue. I mean, what the fuck.

As we read and understand in the process of exposing one self to the „state of the mind“ to get aware of one selfs thoughts and the enslavement that is causing you to have certain feelings/emotions, we can actually take a break (breath) and see them literaly beeing created by oneselfs acceptance and allowens to further more don’t realise one’s true self.

I therefore forgive myself of accepting and allowing myself to put myself into an inferior state to „please“ other people. I forgive myself of accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior and accept the thought of „going to change that situation“ where i could have in the first place trusted myselfand asked myself why should i feel this way? What’s the point of don’t trusting oneself in that situation?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into „wanting to say something“ for the sake of beeing „omnipotent in knowing everything“ in every conversation where i don’t have the knowledge amd don’t need to have that knowledge. I forive myself in not realising that there is no fucking need to „know everything“. I can always ask myself in this „do i need to know or ask this?“. What the common sense of beeing the most intelectual beeing on earth, when common sense will work everything out for the principle of equality and oness in this world. I don’t need an master degree in science to understand that the world will propably end soon by exploitation of the earth and life in general!

I see myself as one and equal as other human beeings. There is not the question of „knowing it all“ to “ be able to change it all“, as we can actualy and easilie see the consequences of our doing in the simplest way.
I forive myself of accepting and allowing myself to think that i „should“ know this actor or that sports score, or that actor in that move to be able to „please“ people around me and feel superior, because of „that knowledge“.

I forgive myself to allow myself to think that superiorty or dominace in a conversation is important to „be liked“ in anyway. I forgive myself of not realising that knowledge and information of movies and actors is not in anyway supportive for myself and for the time beeing of changing myself, because in common sense: „what the fuck does it matter?“ – will that information change the abuse in this world, will it led me to understand myself even more? Thats actually is a waste of time (as of playing games – i will need to examine that also).

I forgive myself of not realising that superiority thoughts and feelings will create inferiority thoughs and feelings into infinity, never realising that this is the actual cause of not beeing able to stabilize myself and trust my true self in any question. Superiority will aggain lead to inequality, as it will forece people into this „power game“-thoughts once aggain and will eventualy lead into more seperation of oneself and .. life in oness and equality.

If forgive myself for not realising that i can actualy stop thoughts of inferiority/supority by not accepting them and not allowing them to „shape myself“ and my information. I Forgive myself for allowing myself to feel „responsible“ and „sad“ aggain for not realising this in the current moment – i forgive myself for judging myself of not knowing and thinking of beeing responsible for what i actualy didn’t know. So we clear it up. I can write it out and work on that progress of identifing the polarity thoughts and feelings/emotions to stand and get aware of one’s true self (presence).

For the changing of and for myself, i will need to expose myself of the emotions and feelings i’m experiencing by certain thoughts and memories.

I will continue.

Thanks.

(Bild von: http://galerie.designnation.de/bild/17447 )