[Eng] Daily writings (day two)

[Eng] Daily Writing – Day two

2012-01-27

So now i got my first blogentry rolling about my thoughts and my experiences yesterday, i was aware about the experiences i was to go through today.

It was realy a plesure to write down the things about myself and my thoughts and my frustation and anger, fear in me. It helped me to be aware of the points i still carried with me. Today it was friday. In the night before i had the feeling that i, have slept more – but i stood up earlier. I still suspended my alarm clock a couple of times.

But today, i felt more like „get the fuck up, it’s still late“, so i dressed myself and got ready for the „walk“ (i drove with my car) to the workplace. At work i still was busy with the things i have started/ completed last week so i put up some more inner „pressure“ to get it done faster.

I ignored my body rings – my inner trouble i felt, when i got into a lot of works and communication with my collegues – it was hard to keep on track on one thing, when you push yourself to do a few things additionally. But it will always come to the point where it is too much. By that i will fail to do all things by time. So the most important thing was for me, to get back to the point, where i can keep track of the tasks.

So i was very busy „thinking“ about how i can „manage“ this and that and not realizing, how simple it would be, to just be there, taking one, by one. One step after the other. Breath in, breath out. So while beeing anxious i was going to „express“ my anxiety to my collegues – i was doing a task where i was preparing some stuff so that a collegue can work on that. I put myself into the position of thinking, that i „need to do it fast, because i had trouble contacting the customer“, when actually i was stressing myself up, energizing myself – lol.

This kidn of anxiety often strucks me – i mean, i often come to the experience wherein i „just don’t have the time now“. When too much comes in, there must be a reason for it. And yeah, there is a reason. Sometimes there is not soo much work to do – when this happens i usally walk around and ask questions/ communicate more with my collegues. When we have much to do, i keep very silent – or at least i do not look for a communication.

So the feeling of anxiety was there today. I know this kind of feeeling for a much longer timeline. Interesting.

This reminds me of beeing lazy and beeing the different like a „super workaholic“… Okey. So. So i realised i still need to read and work more on the material that is presented in the Desteni-I-Process.

hide and seek by gorkemoztas (Deviantart)

I’ll continue as soon as i figure out more about the feelings/emotions i’m directing within myself.

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[Eng] Daily writings (day one)

English Blogentry about the starting point, or the starting of the assignment „daily writing“

[Eng] Daily writings (Tägliches schreiben – um mich frei von meiner Last zu schreiben)

Here we go, in this assignment i need to write about the things that go through my head, when i’m working, playing or else throughout the day.
So i will be focusing on my exerpiences, and thoughs i can remember.

Beginning with the morning:
I was standing up like usual – that means, i recognised my alarm clock. It’s early in the morning and i had a hard time wakeing up myself. I actually i woke up a couple of hours earlier – the fear of hearing the alarm clock arosed in me. It’s like, „oh noese, the morning aggain…“. So i just suspended my alarm clock about five times. I actually feeled the overwhelming thougt of „just let me sleep some more“ – the incoperated mind – „wanting more“. As if i didn’t had enough sleep – i slept 7 hours.
So the act of waking up, was and is hard for me, because i used to sleep alot more. I mean, if i had to stand up early, i would. It is like i „need something straight“ to wake myself up. Something that kicks my ass out of the bed. That reminds my of my past, when my mother used to wake up everybody in the house and cooked or set up the breakfest…
So when the alarm clock ringed the fifth time, i stood up. My feelings at this particulary moment where of „now i got it – don’t stress me“. It feels like degrading oneself to a particular „thought“ where i was doing „something wrong“ and wanted to get a punishment. That’s interesting.
I experienced the anger and frustation of/at my self because of thinking into believing, i „did it wrong aggain“. The anger at my self fromt he perspective of „why did it happen aggain“.
So when i was ready to go to work, i was happy to get into my car. I mean, i thought of beeing proud about having such a „wonderful“ car. It wasn’t a expensive car from the perspective of „beeign able to choose / buy a expensive car“. It was the design of the car, that was fueling my mind into believing to have „something special“. I lured my self into thinking about, how „great and special my car is“- insted of thinking about the practical application. I was more interested in the driving „with a beautiful car“.

From the perspective of „having a car“ i was empowered myself to be able to drive a car – that’s a wonderful feeling. I mean, i was realy scared of driving a car, when i took lessions at the driving school back then. And now, i was doing it. I admid, that at some nights my fear of „making a carcrash“ or „nearly“ envoling in it, creates a heavy nightmare. I’m creating such wild nightmares, that i wake up and find myself „looking and searching“ for a handbrake, lol.
So today at work i was confronted with a feeling of discomfort towards a collegue. I thought of beeing „inferior“ and at the same „beeing superior“ – my mind played a great theatre in my head. I created a imaginary wall of „don’t fucking touch me“ in my head while my collegue was standing beside myself and was bored and wanted to joke a bit with me, or act „condescend“ to me (i actually was aware about the situatio) – that immediatly reminds me of beeing the same way to the collegue. Anger arose in me. Like „fuck off, don’t fucking stress me –  do some work and leave me alone!“ The feeling was so immense i was’n able to actually look at him, or atleast had hard times doing it.
This was exactly a mirroring of myself back then, when i was  condescend to him and actually thinked, i had the „right“ to think so. I realy seperated myself from him – and was playing the ego-game, or the „mind games“.
More interesting was the moment, when i „feeld“ i was beeing supressed by him, playing throwing or doing something with my stuff on my table.
Are those the consequences of „accepting an abuser“ or is this just a mirroring of myself at the stage of acting this way and i just supressed the past, wherein i was doing the exact same thing? Uhm.
I think, i was attracting this excat moment wherein i had aggain a chance of beeing able to feel the pain and anger i was causing in this beeing – or at least, at my self. I acted like a would normaly do – i tried to ignore the person or, would put up some words to stop the condescend (wich might looked from his perspective quite funny) – but in an dishonest way, where i began to judge the person/myself. I was putting myself into a position, wherein he was not so greatly „confronted“ with the doings i didn’t liked.
I was there, acting like i didn’t wanted to „hurt“ him – and didn’t wanted to be honest and straight. Jep. That’s an actually great point – i wasn’t  honest to him.

Suppressing, degrading, dishonest of myself – jeah – that’s actually the attitude i „see“ in him. And i do understand, that i’m, the creator of this. What the fuck…

I fogive myself of accepting and allowing myself to supress my self and to judge myself of beeing „more than“ or „less than“ any beeing in this world. I’m an equal offspring of life, as life, as everything, equaly.
I forgive myself of accepting and allowing myself to create thoughs of superiority and inferiority, wherein i place myself into one of this thoughts. I’m no more superior or inferior as the living example of a beeing in equality as life, wherein i’m as responsible for my doing in every way.
I forgive myself of accepting and allowing of taking party in the thoughts of creating „judgements“ and/or „predefined images“ of beeings in this world. I am what i am, as every other beeing in this world is, what it is.

I forgive myself of accepting and allowing of taking part in thoughts wherein i judge myself of not beeing „fast enough“ or „good enough“ at doing something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in mindgames, wherein i create a world of thoughts where i can control what ever i like and can judge without consequences (like in a video game) to the fullfilment of empowering my mind and feeling/beeing something „special“, „great“.

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself of creating thoughts of beeing „different“ to others. I consists of the equaly shared physicalities of a human body, wherein i’m aware of my existance not as a singularity. I’m as everything is, equaly, a whole.

Therefore the whole is every-one. My thoughts create this world as my participating in them „creates“. Therefore, when i’m aware of my thoughts, i can stop them and can apply self-forgivenes to transcend them, till i’m a life-honourer instead of a life-destroyer.
With self-forgivness and the application of self-correction, i can change and actually understand life as a whole and start to be life as life.