English Blogentry about the starting point, or the starting of the assignment „daily writing“
[Eng] Daily writings (Tägliches schreiben – um mich frei von meiner Last zu schreiben)
Here we go, in this assignment i need to write about the things that go through my head, when i’m working, playing or else throughout the day.
So i will be focusing on my exerpiences, and thoughs i can remember.
Beginning with the morning:
I was standing up like usual – that means, i recognised my alarm clock. It’s early in the morning and i had a hard time wakeing up myself. I actually i woke up a couple of hours earlier – the fear of hearing the alarm clock arosed in me. It’s like, „oh noese, the morning aggain…“. So i just suspended my alarm clock about five times. I actually feeled the overwhelming thougt of „just let me sleep some more“ – the incoperated mind – „wanting more“. As if i didn’t had enough sleep – i slept 7 hours.
So the act of waking up, was and is hard for me, because i used to sleep alot more. I mean, if i had to stand up early, i would. It is like i „need something straight“ to wake myself up. Something that kicks my ass out of the bed. That reminds my of my past, when my mother used to wake up everybody in the house and cooked or set up the breakfest…
So when the alarm clock ringed the fifth time, i stood up. My feelings at this particulary moment where of „now i got it – don’t stress me“. It feels like degrading oneself to a particular „thought“ where i was doing „something wrong“ and wanted to get a punishment. That’s interesting.
I experienced the anger and frustation of/at my self because of thinking into believing, i „did it wrong aggain“. The anger at my self fromt he perspective of „why did it happen aggain“.
So when i was ready to go to work, i was happy to get into my car. I mean, i thought of beeing proud about having such a „wonderful“ car. It wasn’t a expensive car from the perspective of „beeign able to choose / buy a expensive car“. It was the design of the car, that was fueling my mind into believing to have „something special“. I lured my self into thinking about, how „great and special my car is“- insted of thinking about the practical application. I was more interested in the driving „with a beautiful car“.
From the perspective of „having a car“ i was empowered myself to be able to drive a car – that’s a wonderful feeling. I mean, i was realy scared of driving a car, when i took lessions at the driving school back then. And now, i was doing it. I admid, that at some nights my fear of „making a carcrash“ or „nearly“ envoling in it, creates a heavy nightmare. I’m creating such wild nightmares, that i wake up and find myself „looking and searching“ for a handbrake, lol.
So today at work i was confronted with a feeling of discomfort towards a collegue. I thought of beeing „inferior“ and at the same „beeing superior“ – my mind played a great theatre in my head. I created a imaginary wall of „don’t fucking touch me“ in my head while my collegue was standing beside myself and was bored and wanted to joke a bit with me, or act „condescend“ to me (i actually was aware about the situatio) – that immediatly reminds me of beeing the same way to the collegue. Anger arose in me. Like „fuck off, don’t fucking stress me – do some work and leave me alone!“ The feeling was so immense i was’n able to actually look at him, or atleast had hard times doing it.
This was exactly a mirroring of myself back then, when i was condescend to him and actually thinked, i had the „right“ to think so. I realy seperated myself from him – and was playing the ego-game, or the „mind games“.
More interesting was the moment, when i „feeld“ i was beeing supressed by him, playing throwing or doing something with my stuff on my table.
Are those the consequences of „accepting an abuser“ or is this just a mirroring of myself at the stage of acting this way and i just supressed the past, wherein i was doing the exact same thing? Uhm.
I think, i was attracting this excat moment wherein i had aggain a chance of beeing able to feel the pain and anger i was causing in this beeing – or at least, at my self. I acted like a would normaly do – i tried to ignore the person or, would put up some words to stop the condescend (wich might looked from his perspective quite funny) – but in an dishonest way, where i began to judge the person/myself. I was putting myself into a position, wherein he was not so greatly „confronted“ with the doings i didn’t liked.
I was there, acting like i didn’t wanted to „hurt“ him – and didn’t wanted to be honest and straight. Jep. That’s an actually great point – i wasn’t honest to him.
Suppressing, degrading, dishonest of myself – jeah – that’s actually the attitude i „see“ in him. And i do understand, that i’m, the creator of this. What the fuck…
I fogive myself of accepting and allowing myself to supress my self and to judge myself of beeing „more than“ or „less than“ any beeing in this world. I’m an equal offspring of life, as life, as everything, equaly.
I forgive myself of accepting and allowing myself to create thoughs of superiority and inferiority, wherein i place myself into one of this thoughts. I’m no more superior or inferior as the living example of a beeing in equality as life, wherein i’m as responsible for my doing in every way.
I forgive myself of accepting and allowing of taking party in the thoughts of creating „judgements“ and/or „predefined images“ of beeings in this world. I am what i am, as every other beeing in this world is, what it is.
I forgive myself of accepting and allowing of taking part in thoughts wherein i judge myself of not beeing „fast enough“ or „good enough“ at doing something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in mindgames, wherein i create a world of thoughts where i can control what ever i like and can judge without consequences (like in a video game) to the fullfilment of empowering my mind and feeling/beeing something „special“, „great“.
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself of creating thoughts of beeing „different“ to others. I consists of the equaly shared physicalities of a human body, wherein i’m aware of my existance not as a singularity. I’m as everything is, equaly, a whole.
Therefore the whole is every-one. My thoughts create this world as my participating in them „creates“. Therefore, when i’m aware of my thoughts, i can stop them and can apply self-forgivenes to transcend them, till i’m a life-honourer instead of a life-destroyer.
With self-forgivness and the application of self-correction, i can change and actually understand life as a whole and start to be life as life.