running away – (7) run, run, run

O key, that’s what it was going on today. Some running in my head.

I was working as usual. Two things that i realised.

– The one thing was the fear of being watched, when someone passed by.
Furthermore, the fear of someone who „could“ talk to me. It was Spitefulnes i think. I „didn’t want“ to be interrupted with the work, so i focused on my eyes and squish them a lot. It’s something i don’t always realise when doing it. But after some time, i got used to it and have hard times realising the „squishing“ of my eyes and the „concentration of my eye browns“/“the knitting of my brow“. It’s not good for my eyes! I have not often liked my own eyes – i more like was in „wow, they look cool, but hey… there is something MORE to it“. I used to never be satisfied with my whole appearance – also not with my eyes (whole new story).

At one time in my life i liked them a lot. I also like the eyelashes. The eyelashes reminded me about a person with some really interesting eyelashes. It was like if, that person was using some mascara on them – but they were „natural“. Seems like i programmed my appearance to fit the one eyelashes i have seen as i was young. weird. Huh.

– So the second thing i was realising was anger that arose in me watching a person working on „repairing“ a pc / software. I was angry about seeing the person doing all that he can in a way, where i was thinking and running a mind game: „How stupid that person was“. I really judged the person because i thought, that i could make it better or thinking that he is missing a crucial point about „how to fix this“. So i build up resistance about the communication and about the way he represents himself in front of me. „I was ready to judge“ – holy shit. So, how comes, that i was „thinking“ that I’m „better and more effective than that person“? Surely i can solve problems sometimes more or less faster than some other person, but, what was the point of judging? I think it’s again fearing oneself in that situation of being „clueless“.
In my environment i often come into the points where I’m clueless about the talk – it’s interesting. More and more i’m reaching a point where i can not relate anymore to persons in my environment.  Of course working is possible to be done, but as soon „private things“ come in, i realise how „different i’m becoming“ (not different, but… somehow more aware about the „nothingness“ (is it really that?) of the information they are communication about).

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear people communicating to me, when doing work. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use that feeling of fearing to be spiteful and judgmental towards others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge people „inferior“ when they ask me for helping them. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think, that by helping others, I will one day use that act in my advantage.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for judging a person „as ignorant“ when he/she is not reacting to my greetings when i arrive somewhere.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the judgment of being called a „clueless person“. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge others „clueless persons“. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that persons either „have a clue“ or „don’t have a clue“.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for judging people „good“ or „not good“ / „cool“ or „not cool“ / „smart“ or „not smart“ only by their appearance and wearing of clothes“.


running away – (5) sharing communication

„Sharing is caring“

I stumbled again over an amazing blog-entry: it was about „sharing communication“: from Mike McDonald. It was that feeling of amazement that struck me down, when i realised how this point i recognized in myself, in my life.

I always rejected to talk with my brother about things i learned. When a question arose from my brother and i already learned the answer, i immediately got into spitefulnes.
I really hated to talk to my brother about things i knew the answer for. Shit. Emotional reactions came up..

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create and accept emotional reactions towards my brother or anyone, when talking about stuff i „already knew“ and go into spitefulnes because of „don’t want to tell again“.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to react in spitefulnes towards for „thinking“ that, „they should know this and that already!“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge yet again people by thoughts of „they should knowing it better“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting thoughts and emotional reactions towards the idea of „not knowing it better“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself and have reactional and emotional reactions towards myself for thinking that “ i should knew this/that“.
I forgive myself for judging myself for thinking that „repeating or sharing again“ information is a mistake or is „slowing“ my progress down.
I forgive myself or allowing and accepting myself to think that „what i know is what should anyone automatically know“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself and think, that learning is automatic and that learning is „automatically spreaded and understood“.
I Forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for judging myself for thinking that i „should have known this“.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that I’m sillier for not knowing this/that. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself putting myself into a state of  inferiority and putting others in  a bubble of superiority.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that when i hear some one else judging i need to create reactions in myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge others by hearing them judging other people. I stop my reactions to the judgment-game. I breath, i do self forgiveness o those thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself for not realising that judgments are but the outer-explanation of judging his/her-self.

Selfjudgment. Self inflicted Judgments. Self Dishonesty – look: What is it I’m judging? Look and be aware that it’s not something „foreign“, something „from outta space“ – it’s your fucking self.
When judgments are coming up, or the „thoughts“ of judging, i stop. I breath, i self forgive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad at myself and frustrated and irritated that I realised a fuck up within myself.
I forgive myself for not realising the coolness in realising/seeing a fuck up within me as like a fucking awesome point/tool of and as self support in living self correction of accepted and allowed fuck up.
I realise through writing I assist myself in communicating with myself as like total self exposure as like ya man this is me inside and out.

running away – day x + 3

So i’m continuing.
After chatting aggain with my desteni supporter  i got more things cleared up. Firs of all, it’s essential to write out every day. It will not be easy, but – it’s always like that. No change is easy. If someone is telling you he/she will change or he/she changed – it will never be that quick – it takes time.. a lot of time.

So i’m just beginning in the writings, therefore it takes time to get used to it. I may be not posting everyday – but, it doesn’t mean that i‘, taking a break or pausing again. Let’s see.

As i mentioned in my last post, i was surprised about the blog entry from Rebecka Dalmas

…Like I am looking at her, and presenting a happy face, but at the same time becoming overwhelmed with a feeling of bitterness, and anger, and spite. A lot of spite.
I breath, I realize that under this is fear. I continue to breath.
I realize, we, the human, are composed of emotions and feelings, and thoughts, and that these emotions and feelings and thoughts, are based on experiences from our past, and conditioning of environment, all of it as it presently exists within a system of inequality.
I remember this same thing, being this same way as a child within facing people. I am terrified – so to speak, the only different is that I have learned to compose myself with supposed civility.

But it is as thought the unresolved fear is there…

It’s quite fascinating, that this is what exactly (no difference) was playing out my whole life, even today. I sometimes have hard times at looking at someone – especially, when i’m spiteful and feeling the need to „ignore“ or even „hate“ that person.  Yes, fear is the point – i was experiencing the same shit, over and over. Thought it „was gone“ – lol. Nothing will just „go away“. Damn it.

So i gracefully and thankfully read that blog and it was, fucking helpful! Here i cut some words out of it, that affirmative what i was thinking back then (but couldn’t find the right words for it):

… I did not want to see her, I did not want to see this spite. A feeling of sadness comes up, at the idea of this being here, as what caused this, as why this is.  And realizing that being this sadness, not good or bad, is not a solution, cannot become an endgame, the end of the line as it is not. So move through it. And this woman, is as physically thick as she is thick with an undercurrent of emotion. I don’t even know where to begin. This is a momentary meeting. I breath and  speak words of gratitude and leave.
I keep breathing….
Judging is not a solution, this is another “end of the line” act, and not a solvent, not what removes what is compounded within this woman, and or myself, judgement as a sign fixed in stone, remove the dis-ease, the undercurrent of dis-ease. And I cannot do this for this woman, she must find this and do this for herself. No one can put her back together again but herself. She must walk through her own construction. If she chooses, I can aid her in seeing her construction, but i cannot be the actual doing of this for her. Theory alone does not work, it must be actually lived..
So i went into my memories (i know it’s not suggested to do, because the mind needs memories and past experiencing – it’s of the past!) to understand what shaped me. Yeah, it was that kind of spite – i was sitting on a table with some people and they were chatting about stuff i don’t even had a clue. So i forced myself to be „pleasend“ again. Then – surprise, surprise, they made fun of me. It was getting inconvenient. I was thinking about how dishonest and unrespectful hey were. I couldn’t stand that moment. I was beginning to hate them! So i had hard times looking at them – i just wanted them to notice that. Then, it was fucking silent – thought, they noticed their wrong doing. So i was making a stupid statement ( as I used to make, when i can’t find the right words).
So, for that i need to make self fogivenes. I copyed those ones i understood from Rebecka (thank you!) and speak them aloud:
– I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my thoughts, emotions and feelings are but the separations of myself into and as devices to justify  my own ignorance of life here, and that what is here, as life , is the value, where the fear is a smokescreen, as a belief that something can be lost, the the fear s the separation, initially caused in childhood, as a child is trapped within lack of an ability to communicate and the bullying of the adult who is already in separation from life, having abdicated self as a child as well, in order to survive, which is the family generating that which is a fear of self as life.
-I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that dealing with others emotions is tedious (dt: „mühsam“), and impossible, even (for) my own, and thus just want to run away and do something like read a book, tend to a garden, and or exist away from the chaos of emotions and discord.

-I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a feeling of anger, an emotional reaction as anger to and towards this emotional program as the mind consciousness system, not wanting to deal with this, not wanting to speak up about this to and towards others as the response will be one of reaction, as fear of death of self as mind, as memory, as idea , belief and opinion, as want , need and desire, which means that I myself remain fearful within facing what has been accepted and allowed as mind in separation from life, just as fear came up when talking with this woman, the woman with an undercurrent of spite, as fear.

-I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this idea of “not wanting to face” what is compounded within, a repetition of reactions during childhood, as energetic responses imbedded within and as the human physical body, through the dna of parents, is not life in full potential expression, but separations from self as life, a division and conquer of the human, as what life accepted and allowed in separation from the realization that what is one and equal within and as all, is the substance of life.
-I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the mind is a tantrum of opposites, looping around from one pole to another, and thus not a mechanism that can solve the opposition, and when this is made huge, the realization that the mind is the divide from life, as what it is as thoughts, that eventually compound into emotions and feelings,  that thus, within this, the mind is the signifier of separation and not what is real, where through breath and self forgiveness as life, the mind can be realized for the limited viewpoint it is in fact, and realized for the tiny storm in a teacup that it is in fact.
-I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that we, the human, have told ourselves that we are aware of the mind, in the halos we have painted around the heads of supposed saints.
-I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there are many instances where the human has spoke of a bubble being around humans, and thus it is not something new, or unbelievable, that there is an existential bubble around each of us, and given the state of this world, it is evident that we have not taken care of this world, and thus we are not one and equal to this world, as we have not found, existed as, that which is best for all, thus have we not found the absolute solution to what supports life, thus any statement of “that is the way it is” must be a program of this bubble, serving self interest, as it is not self as life, where self as life, is the actual being of self as life, realizing self as life as being one and equal to all that is here on earth, because all that is here on earth is of the same substance, life.
-I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that there is nothing to fear, there is only becoming one and equal to life, walked practically through standing up and supporting a practical system that supports all life, as the structures are existent on earth to distribute resources to support what is here, at this point, to begin to realign life to be, accept and allow life to reach its potential as life, and this is supporting an equal money system.
Amen, lol. Cool points!
Time to support, what is best for all!->

running away – day x + 1

I noted down some emotions and feelings i observed the last days, so i can expose them by writing myself down and at least understand one piece more of this way of life and why i choosed this to happen ages before beeing here.

So today and yesterday i was experiencing the feeling of „beeing unwanted“ and therefore feign myself of beeing „important“. Wanting to be noticed and wanting to not beeing missunderstood.

As of „wanting of beeing“ noticed i created in myself the akward character of beeing „silly“. Yes. In that i thought i can handle the situation of „not knowing“ what other peoples around me where talking about. So i experienced myself in a situation of where i emotionaly felt sad and „stupid“ and looked away smiling. Insted of trusting myself i did’nt realise that i was seperation myself aggain to just „please“ peoples around me. You know they guy who is just talking „shit“ to be noticed because, he/she don’t have a clue. I mean, what the fuck.

As we read and understand in the process of exposing one self to the „state of the mind“ to get aware of one selfs thoughts and the enslavement that is causing you to have certain feelings/emotions, we can actually take a break (breath) and see them literaly beeing created by oneselfs acceptance and allowens to further more don’t realise one’s true self.

I therefore forgive myself of accepting and allowing myself to put myself into an inferior state to „please“ other people. I forgive myself of accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior and accept the thought of „going to change that situation“ where i could have in the first place trusted myselfand asked myself why should i feel this way? What’s the point of don’t trusting oneself in that situation?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into „wanting to say something“ for the sake of beeing „omnipotent in knowing everything“ in every conversation where i don’t have the knowledge amd don’t need to have that knowledge. I forive myself in not realising that there is no fucking need to „know everything“. I can always ask myself in this „do i need to know or ask this?“. What the common sense of beeing the most intelectual beeing on earth, when common sense will work everything out for the principle of equality and oness in this world. I don’t need an master degree in science to understand that the world will propably end soon by exploitation of the earth and life in general!

I see myself as one and equal as other human beeings. There is not the question of „knowing it all“ to “ be able to change it all“, as we can actualy and easilie see the consequences of our doing in the simplest way.
I forive myself of accepting and allowing myself to think that i „should“ know this actor or that sports score, or that actor in that move to be able to „please“ people around me and feel superior, because of „that knowledge“.

I forgive myself to allow myself to think that superiorty or dominace in a conversation is important to „be liked“ in anyway. I forgive myself of not realising that knowledge and information of movies and actors is not in anyway supportive for myself and for the time beeing of changing myself, because in common sense: „what the fuck does it matter?“ – will that information change the abuse in this world, will it led me to understand myself even more? Thats actually is a waste of time (as of playing games – i will need to examine that also).

I forgive myself of not realising that superiority thoughts and feelings will create inferiority thoughs and feelings into infinity, never realising that this is the actual cause of not beeing able to stabilize myself and trust my true self in any question. Superiority will aggain lead to inequality, as it will forece people into this „power game“-thoughts once aggain and will eventualy lead into more seperation of oneself and .. life in oness and equality.

If forgive myself for not realising that i can actualy stop thoughts of inferiority/supority by not accepting them and not allowing them to „shape myself“ and my information. I Forgive myself for allowing myself to feel „responsible“ and „sad“ aggain for not realising this in the current moment – i forgive myself for judging myself of not knowing and thinking of beeing responsible for what i actualy didn’t know. So we clear it up. I can write it out and work on that progress of identifing the polarity thoughts and feelings/emotions to stand and get aware of one’s true self (presence).

For the changing of and for myself, i will need to expose myself of the emotions and feelings i’m experiencing by certain thoughts and memories.

I will continue.


(Bild von: )

Learning from – „stoping an addiction“ – Wie man eine Sucht stoppt (Quotes from Szabó Márton)

Im Folgenden habe ich mal einen super hilfreichen, unterstützenden Text von Szabo Marton übersetzt, in welchem er über das „Stoppen“ von Sucht eingeht –

wie man die Sucht nach etwas nachgehen kann um diese aufzulösen:

Um eine Sucht zu stoppen:

  1. Als erstes musst du realisieren/feststellen, dass du süchtig bist
  2. untersuche die Objekte und Gewohnheiten dieser Sucht
  3. wenn du selbst die Sucht erlebst, stoppe die Sucht und atme!
  4. untersuche die Reaktionen in dir und im bezug auf die Sucht und die Objekte
  5. untersuche wieder in selbsterhlichkeit die wahren Ursachen (Ängste) der Sucht
  6. korrigiere diese Ideen und Ängste mit selbsterhlichkeit zu dir
  7. korrigiere dies „lebend“ mit Atmung und stoppe in die Sucht zu gehen mit selbstwille und Disziplin
  8. lebe ohne die Sucht für 21 Tage durchgängig und beobachte und schreibe die Verbindungen zu und von der Sucht auf
  9. lebe als Leben mit allem, im gleichen als eins ohne die Sucht

Du kannst dies Schritt für Schritt machen ( Eine Sucht und mit der nächsten weiter machen) oder mehrere Süchte zur gleichen Zeit – aber du musst dann aufmerksamer sein mit dem was du tust.

Für den Fall das du einmal fehlschlägst, wende Selbstvergebung an und Beginne von Anfang an. Mit dieser Art der Behandlung kann jede Sucht aufgelöst werden. Falls du dir sagen solltest, dass du es nicht schaffen kannst, stoppe deine Ängste. Wende einfach die Werkzeuge (Selbstvergebung, Atmung)  an und lasse deine Süchte los. Für alle, als Leben, als „das Gleiche“.
Und versuche niemals eine Sucht „beenden“ zu WOLLEN- das wird dich fertig machen!
„to stop an addiction“ by Szabó Márton

->realize that you are doing an addiction
->investigate the objects and habits of the addiction
->when encountering self doing the addiction STOP and breathe
->investigate the reactions within and realting to the addiction and it’s objects
->investigate in honesty again the true reasons (fears) of the addiction
->correct those ideas and fears by self honesty
->correct the living with breathing and stopping befora going into the addiction with self willed discipline
->live without the addiction for 21days continuosly and watch and write out the connections to and from the addiction
->live life as all as one and equal without the addiction
you can do as „one at a time“ or you can do multiple addictions the same time but you will have to be more aware of what you are doing.
and in cases of fall do self forgiveness and start over.
this way any addictions can be overcome, if you say you can’t then you fear stopping it!just apply the tools and let go of your addiction for ALL as life as equal.
and never ever WANT to stop an addiction it will only fuck you up!“

Danke für die hilfreiche unterstützung. Thank you for you support!

Engl. Energy freedom (100% conversion to alternative) achievable in 20-40 years. Needed: political will (via COTO Report)

Wirkliche Erneuerbare Technologien

BY LOUIS BERGERON If someone told you there was a way you could save 2.5 million to 3 million lives a year and simultaneously halt global warming, reduce air and water pollution and develop secure, reliable energy sources – nearly all with existing technology and at costs comparable with what we spend on energy today – why wouldn’t you do it? According to a new study coauthored by Stanford researcher Mark Z. Jacobson, we could accomplish all that … Read More

via COTO Report