running away – (7) run, run, run

O key, that’s what it was going on today. Some running in my head.

I was working as usual. Two things that i realised.

– The one thing was the fear of being watched, when someone passed by.
Furthermore, the fear of someone who „could“ talk to me. It was Spitefulnes i think. I „didn’t want“ to be interrupted with the work, so i focused on my eyes and squish them a lot. It’s something i don’t always realise when doing it. But after some time, i got used to it and have hard times realising the „squishing“ of my eyes and the „concentration of my eye browns“/“the knitting of my brow“. It’s not good for my eyes! I have not often liked my own eyes – i more like was in „wow, they look cool, but hey… there is something MORE to it“. I used to never be satisfied with my whole appearance – also not with my eyes (whole new story).

At one time in my life i liked them a lot. I also like the eyelashes. The eyelashes reminded me about a person with some really interesting eyelashes. It was like if, that person was using some mascara on them – but they were „natural“. Seems like i programmed my appearance to fit the one eyelashes i have seen as i was young. weird. Huh.

– So the second thing i was realising was anger that arose in me watching a person working on „repairing“ a pc / software. I was angry about seeing the person doing all that he can in a way, where i was thinking and running a mind game: „How stupid that person was“. I really judged the person because i thought, that i could make it better or thinking that he is missing a crucial point about „how to fix this“. So i build up resistance about the communication and about the way he represents himself in front of me. „I was ready to judge“ – holy shit. So, how comes, that i was „thinking“ that I’m „better and more effective than that person“? Surely i can solve problems sometimes more or less faster than some other person, but, what was the point of judging? I think it’s again fearing oneself in that situation of being „clueless“.
In my environment i often come into the points where I’m clueless about the talk – it’s interesting. More and more i’m reaching a point where i can not relate anymore to persons in my environment.  Of course working is possible to be done, but as soon „private things“ come in, i realise how „different i’m becoming“ (not different, but… somehow more aware about the „nothingness“ (is it really that?) of the information they are communication about).

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear people communicating to me, when doing work. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use that feeling of fearing to be spiteful and judgmental towards others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge people „inferior“ when they ask me for helping them. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think, that by helping others, I will one day use that act in my advantage.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for judging a person „as ignorant“ when he/she is not reacting to my greetings when i arrive somewhere.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the judgment of being called a „clueless person“. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge others „clueless persons“. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that persons either „have a clue“ or „don’t have a clue“.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for judging people „good“ or „not good“ / „cool“ or „not cool“ / „smart“ or „not smart“ only by their appearance and wearing of clothes“.

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