[Eng] Daily writings (day two)

[Eng] Daily Writing – Day two

2012-01-27

So now i got my first blogentry rolling about my thoughts and my experiences yesterday, i was aware about the experiences i was to go through today.

It was realy a plesure to write down the things about myself and my thoughts and my frustation and anger, fear in me. It helped me to be aware of the points i still carried with me. Today it was friday. In the night before i had the feeling that i, have slept more – but i stood up earlier. I still suspended my alarm clock a couple of times.

But today, i felt more like „get the fuck up, it’s still late“, so i dressed myself and got ready for the „walk“ (i drove with my car) to the workplace. At work i still was busy with the things i have started/ completed last week so i put up some more inner „pressure“ to get it done faster.

I ignored my body rings – my inner trouble i felt, when i got into a lot of works and communication with my collegues – it was hard to keep on track on one thing, when you push yourself to do a few things additionally. But it will always come to the point where it is too much. By that i will fail to do all things by time. So the most important thing was for me, to get back to the point, where i can keep track of the tasks.

So i was very busy „thinking“ about how i can „manage“ this and that and not realizing, how simple it would be, to just be there, taking one, by one. One step after the other. Breath in, breath out. So while beeing anxious i was going to „express“ my anxiety to my collegues – i was doing a task where i was preparing some stuff so that a collegue can work on that. I put myself into the position of thinking, that i „need to do it fast, because i had trouble contacting the customer“, when actually i was stressing myself up, energizing myself – lol.

This kidn of anxiety often strucks me – i mean, i often come to the experience wherein i „just don’t have the time now“. When too much comes in, there must be a reason for it. And yeah, there is a reason. Sometimes there is not soo much work to do – when this happens i usally walk around and ask questions/ communicate more with my collegues. When we have much to do, i keep very silent – or at least i do not look for a communication.

So the feeling of anxiety was there today. I know this kind of feeeling for a much longer timeline. Interesting.

This reminds me of beeing lazy and beeing the different like a „super workaholic“… Okey. So. So i realised i still need to read and work more on the material that is presented in the Desteni-I-Process.

hide and seek by gorkemoztas (Deviantart)

I’ll continue as soon as i figure out more about the feelings/emotions i’m directing within myself.

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